seek that thing which is not a thing

i can only focus on one thing at a time.

i am an easily distracted person. specifically, i might say that it is quite easy for me to find myself deeply interested in things, to see what is interesting about a thing and to be affected by that quality.

i can only focus on one thing at a time.

sometimes i want to focus on some thing without a name, without a form. perhaps we might discuss the possibility that i desire to focus on a thing which is difficulty to focus on. actually, it’s a little more than “sometimes”: i might say that this act (this strange act) brings me a great deal of satisfaction, perhaps more satisfaction than anything else that i can think of. and i find myself needing it more than i need much else in life; without it i grow restless, lost, sad. disappointed.

i can only focus on one thing at a time.

it’s hard to say what i’m doing sometimes, when it seems as though i am doing nothing, eschewing activities that show more evident signs of being interesting, important, valuable. i have no good reason to not do these things, but i still feel driven to not do them, and instead seek to do… nothing in particular.

i can only focus on one thing at a time.

it may be that in these times i am in search of a particular type of quietness of purpose. i seek out a state of purposelessness so that in the quiet i can hear these formless, nameless, purposeless points out in the void — the things that, alone, can satisfy something with in me.

i can only focus on one thing at a time.

so then, sometimes the way to find these things is to focus on nothing, to leave some room. to accept things as they come, and to discard them, one after another, until i happen upon something curious, something that (it seems) could never have actively displaced another focal point, but in listening like this, in the silence, i’ve allowed it in.

i can only focus on one thing at a time.

this quiet object is as easily lost as it is hard to find. it’s rare i can hold onto it long enough to capture it. i drop it into the pool of my mind and it sends out ripples: even those ripples can be distractions, catching my attention. it presents an additional challenge; the water shimmers beautifully and i must work with those beautiful ripples without ever losing focus on this… center.

i can only focus on one thing at a time.

often i find even the attempt to describe the thing makes it slip further out of my fingers. at times i wish it was easier to hold onto. but at other times, like in this moment, i think that very feature is what makes the material so singularly satisfying to work with in the first place.

i can only focus on one thing at a time.

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additional watching:

• Interview with Agnes Martin (my notes)
• Don Potts Sculpture Lecture at MIU (1981) (thanks for sharing this lecture with me, jack <3)